Bittersweet
by Angeleyez
Summary: The phone call at the end of “Those Are Strings, Pinocchio”. With a twist. He’s finally grown a backbone. He’s going to do this face to face.


**Title**: Bittersweet 

**Author**: Angeleyez 

**Summary**: The phone call at the end of "Those Are Strings, Pinocchio". With a twist. He's finally grown a backbone. He's going to do this face to face. 

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Gilmore Girls. Go figure. 

**Dedication**:  To Sweet because she is the best beta ever.  I totally worship her.

**A/N**: Apparently whenever I get stuck on _Over Time, I write a one parter. Finals are over and school let out for the summer so I'm less stressed out. Hopefully, I'll have an update for all of you soon. Hope you enjoy and let me know what you think. Also, I heart gilmore-girls.net for their wonderful transcripts. Thank god for those. _

She waved off the first hang up as a wrong number. The second was taken as a prank call. By the third, the thought was beginning to take form in her head. Looking down at her Caller ID, the word Unavailable staring back at her, and she was beginning to wonder… 

But thoughts about the impending ceremony took over. The next day she had graduation to attend and a speech to give in front of parents, teachers, and the entire senior class of 2003. The butterflies in her stomach took precedence and the phone calls were pushed from her mind. 

But then on the morning of graduation, she received another call. 

She was scrambling around the downstairs, her hair still damp, one shoe on, and her cap seeming to have vanished into the abyss… and her cell rang. The clear shriek of the phone went right through her, rooting her to the spot. She was already running late yet she let the seconds tick by, her gaze locked on the phone. At that point, she knew who it was. 

She didn't even bother answering it. 

Slowly, she sank onto the couch and slipped on her other shoe. The ringing continued and she wondered why he hadn't hung up yet. Why did he wait? Didn't he know what this was doing to her? 

She stood up once again, her eyes lingering on her phone. No. There wasn't time to deal with the stress of him. No time to listen to silence. No time to feel that odd surge of hope that maybe he would say something, anything… 

Deflating at the sound of a dial tone. 

She hung up the phone, throwing it down on the couch. She was frustrated with herself for giving in once again, letting him win. The anger built up inside of her, mixing with grief. She stood still for a moment, the knot tightening in her throat as she tried her best to hold it in. Two deep breaths later, she was back inside her room, fixing her hair and trying to think of anything besides him. 

Ten minutes later, she was heading out the door with her cell phone in her pocket, the ringer still on. 

Wondering if he would call again. Wondering why she still cared. 

  
-*- 

  
His timing was impeccable. 

All through the ceremony, her phone sat in her pocket, hidden beneath her robe. Any second now it would be sure to go off, a loud, shrill ring… 

All eyes on her. 

But it remained dormant, and she was unsure if it was disappointment or relief she felt. She ended up settling on foolish because somehow, her cell phone had become the center of her focus. 

Then, fifteen minutes after the conclusion of the ceremony, it was going off again. 

"Hello?" 

Why did she even bother? 

"Hello?" 

It was beginning to gnaw at her. This will he, won't he crap. She hung up her phone once again, somehow suppressing the urge to throw it against a wall. But she didn't put it away. She held it in her hand, a ticking time bomb… waiting. He would call her again. Apparently, he had nothing better to do with his time than play this ridiculous hang up game. 

Then as she predicted, her phone went off again and she headed inside Chilton. She turned down an empty hall and leaned against the wall, her back to where she had just entered. Once again, she was turning on her phone, holding her breath… 

"Jess," she said. And then she waited. She was going to have the last word in this; she would make sure of that. But first she needed to hear him. Hear his pain, his regret. He had to feel something, right? 

Waiting. 

Her heart was beating faster, her words were threatening to tumble out, but she continued to wait. The silence began to bother her and she wished he would just hang up. The dial tone was better than this melody of nothing. She was so sick of nothing… it was what he had been giving her for so long. 

"Rory." 

No. Oh, no. Too late she realized her mistake. It only took the sound of his voice, its deep tone filling her head. Rory. It was only one word and yet she could feel herself melting. 

Into_ that girl. _

It wasn't fair that he could do this. Why did he have this control over her? Did he even realize that he did? He had this hold on her and it was for that reason that she brought her phone with her. Kept it by her side, her ringer turned up as high as it could go. Kept answering call after call despite his hanging up. 

Despite him not deserving her time. 

Not deserving a second chance. 

She should have just released her words. Everything that she had been keeping inside, holding back. Instead of having random outbursts at everyone else, she needed to get it all out on him. The words had been rushing up her throat, waiting impatiently to come at him. And now they were dying at her lips, fading away… 

It was only one word. What was _wrong_ with her? 

Once more, she was waiting. Not wanting him to speak again because then she would be too far gone, but growing weary of a silence that she couldn't break. Her voice lost somewhere inside herself. 

"You looked really great up there…" he said. 

She waited, not understanding. Not yet. 

"Giving your speech. The epitome of intelligence." 

A part of her wondered how exactly he meant that. If he was proud of her. If he was poking fun at her. But she was pushing those thoughts away, thinking about his actual words. Fitting the pieces together, connecting the dots… 

Bingo. 

She took the phone away from her ear and hung it up, slipping it back inside her pocket. Slowly, she pushed herself away from the wall. But she didn't turn around. She wasn't prepared for this. If she couldn't do it on the phone…if it only took the sound of his voice to make her heart flutter…then how…how was she going to do this… 

"Hi, Jess." 

Face to face. 

She heard his footsteps behind her. She could feel his gaze on her back, burning into her, willing her to look at him. Slowly, she turned around, her shoulders tense, her heart ready to leap out of her chest. 

"What are you doing here?" She blurted out, not wanting an awkward silence to fall. 

"There was nothing on TV so I figured I'd check out what was on in this time zone." 

"Your sarcasm is no longer cute." 

"Why do you think I'm here?" 

His attitude was irritating. Suddenly, it wasn't so hard to be angry with him. "I think the events in the past couple of months have shown that I, in no way, am capable of reading your mind." 

"If you concentrated hard enough…" 

"Alright, fine. You act like a jerk and I'm going to go back outside." 

She turned around, fully prepared to take the long route. His voice stopped her. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you." She let his words sink in. He was sorry. It was a little too late to apologize. "I'm here to talk to you, Rory. Really." 

She turned around. "You want to talk to me? Should I go get my mom then?" 

"What?" 

"Wait, I need Luke too. I hope he hasn't left yet." 

"What are you talking about?" He asked. 

"That's how it goes right? You talk to Luke who then talks to my mom and then she talks to me." 

He sighed, realizing that she wasn't going to make this easy for him. He wasn't used to having to make such an effort. "You're being difficult." 

"I think I've earned the right to be difficult," she said. 

"You're supposed to be the bigger person." 

"I'm feeling rather tiny today." She waited for him to speak. "Okay, usually telling someone you want to speak to them is followed by actual dialogue." 

"I went to California." 

"Oh." Lorelai had never told her where Jess had run off to. She hadn't realized he had been so far away. "What's that like?" 

"It's sunny." 

"I figured as much." She paused and silence fell. It was uncomfortable, awkward. Suddenly, she wished she had never gotten out of bed that morning. "Jess…" Her voice was quiet, unsure. She wanted to ask him the question that had been on her mind for weeks now. "Why didn't you tell me? I mean, I'm… I was your girlfriend. You're supposed to be able to talk to your girlfriend. That's a big part off a relationship, communication. Instead of coming to me, you just kept it all in which, by the way, is not healthy. You're supposed to be able to come to your girlfriend no matter what. Instead, you just kissed me and got angry when I didn't want to sleep with you." She suddenly cut her ramble short. She held her breath as she watched his face. She wasn't entirely sure she had meant to say that last part out loud. 

"Whoa, wait." He paused and she remained silent. "Rory, I was not mad at you for that. I wasn't even mad at you!" 

"You had an odd way of showing it." 

"Look, I didn't mean to get angry. I went after you but at that point you were already back in Dean's arms." 

"That is so unfair. He was standing right there when I came down the stairs and he stopped me. I was upset and he was just being a friend." 

"It was very friendly of him to punch me like that." 

"I don't want to talk about Dean, okay? Somehow, I don't think you flew across the country so we could discuss Dean and your undying hatred for him." 

Jess looked down at the ground for a moment, growing uncomfortable. "Remember when I said I had school under control?" He asked. 

"Yeah," she said, her voice soft. 

"Apparently I didn't." 

"And that was why you were acting so strange at the party." 

"Yeah." 

"Why didn't you just tell me?" How many times had she asked him this now? 

"How was I supposed to tell you, Miss Yale Bound, that I couldn't even pass my senior year? And that to top it all off, I couldn't take you to the prom?" 

"First off, the prom was not that big of a deal-" 

He cut her off. "Don't pretend now that it wasn't. You really wanted to go and would have been pissed off when I told you I couldn't take you." 

That anger from before was coming back again, full force. "But you didn't tell me, Jess, remember? And I don't think I would have freaked out about it if you told me why. I would have talked to you and tried to make you feel better. Make plans for next year. And what did you mean by Miss Yale Bound?" 

"This is what I'm talking about. Make plans… You have all these plans for the future. You want to be the next Christiane Amapour. You want to go overseas and be this great journalist. I just wanted to pass twelfth grade." 

She was silent. 

"I didn't want to see the disappointment on your face when I told you." 

"Wait, are you putting this all on me?  Now it's my fault you wouldn't talk to me?" She asked. 

"That's not what I meant." 

She sighed and walked back over to the wall she had previously been leaning on. As she slumped back against it, Jess took a few steps forward so he was leaning on the lockers, a couple of feet away. 

"Then your dad came," she said, hoping he wouldn't clam up. 

"Yeah." 

"That must have been…" 

"Strange. Surprising. Confusing. Angering. Take your pick." 

"Why did you follow him back to California?" She asked. 

"Because I didn't have anywhere else to go." 

"And…" She prompted, knowing there had to be more. 

He sighed. "He just came into the diner and two minutes later he was running out. I guess I just…" He trailed off. "Before I knew it, I was on a bus to the airport." 

"And you didn't think it was necessary to say 'Hey Rory, I'm heading cross-country to see my father. I'll drop you a line sometime…'? I was on the bus. I was right there next to you. And all you said was that you couldn't take me to prom. You didn't even give a reason. And then you said you'd call me…" 

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice sincere. 

She looked over at him. "Did you call me at all?" 

"Yesterday, I…" 

"Jess…" 

He sighed. "No." 

"Did you send me a letter?" 

"No." 

"Postcard?" 

"No." 

"Smoke signal?" She asked. 

"Rory…" 

"A nice fruit basket?" 

He opened his mouth to respond but then closed it and reconsidered his words. "Your freakishly good memory scares me." 

She didn't respond. She had thought it would be funny to throw his words from long ago back in his face. But now she regretted it. She hadn't realized that a memory could hurt so much. That night so many months ago was very vivid in her mind. 

_Her name's Shane. _

_Yes, I'm still with Dean, yes! _

Back then, there had been such intensity. It had been all about the anticipation, the excitement… Things had still been good between them. Even though they had both been angry at each other, it had still been better. The nothing between them then was more than the nothing they had now. She was afraid that tears would form soon. This wasn't how it was supposed to turn out. Their relationship was supposed to have been so much better. There had been too many tears, too much yelling, too much pain… 

Was it worth it? 

Another memory came to mind. In the apartment above the diner, her hands in his, and a smile tugging at his lips. Then, the night at the gas station, him leaning against a pump, ready to light up… 

_"So, tell me, what's your decision about smoking that depending on?" _

_"On what's gonna happen." _

_"When?" _

_"Now." _

Had it been worth it? 

She hadn't realized how close he had gotten until now. Inching forward with each passing second. Now he was close, very close. She remained silent but her eyes said it all. Her gaze stayed on his face and she watched him as he moved forward slowly, unsure. She stood up straighter, her back flat against the wall, and he stopped in front of her. He reached his hand out hesitantly and rested it on her cheek. She knew she should pull away. Really, she should have slapped him. But she remained there, rooted to the spot by some invisible force. He leaned downward, and before she knew it, his lips were on hers. 

Yeah, it was worth it. All worth it for one more kiss. One more touch. 

And she knew that this was their last kiss. A part of her wanted to push him away now and be done with him once and for all. A weight off of her shoulders. A sigh of relief. Longing for the day he would be nothing more than a passing memory. An old photograph of a dark haired boy with brown eyes that would give him away if you caught him at the right moment. Eyes that were designed for only her to look in. A hazy face, the picture too aged, and her voice saying "Oh, that's just a guy I dated in high school. What was his name? I think it began with a J…" 

Knowing that day would never come. She wasn't sure she even wanted it to. 

She was pulling him closer despite her thoughts. Trying to breathe all of him in, melting against him. Wishing him gone but needing him to stay. Wanting everything and nothing all at once. 

What had she been angry about…? Her earlier thoughts seemed to have drifted away along with her grip on reality. She felt dizzy, light-headed, and grateful that she was against a wall. But if she were to fall, he would catch her. She would only fall into him. 

Suddenly, oxygen became a necessity and she pulled away, taking in a deep breath. His hands remained on her shoulders while she moved her own from his neck to his chest. They remained unmoving for a moment. Then, she looked up and their eyes met. 

_I think I may have loved you. _

The thought echoed through her mind. The words rushed to her lips and she wanted so badly to tell him. But what good what that do now? He was going to leave again. Nothing she could say would make him stay. And nothing would change what had happened between them. The past was the past. And no matter how hard she wished she could, she couldn't rewrite it. 

Another fleeting thought: Did he feel the same way? 

Another reason to remain quiet. 

She wasn't sure she would be able to stand it if he didn't. She blinked back tears. This is how it has to be. Just end it now. Let it go… 

Somehow, she kept her voice steady. "Don't call me anymore." 

He nodded slightly as if that was what he had been expecting. "Bye, Rory." He pushed himself away from the wall and turned away from her. 

"Bye," she said softly. Her gaze followed his retreating back. More tears gathered in her eyes and her vision was momentarily blurred. And by the time she blinked them away, he was gone. She closed her eyes and leaned back against the wall. Letting go… she had to let go. 

Soon she would have to head back outside. Her mother was probably wondering where she had gone. But for a moment, she remained where she was, replaying what had just happened over and over again in her head. Holding on to the remembrance of his touch, savoring their last kiss… She let out a slow sigh and brought her fingers to her lips. 

So this was what closure tasted like.


End file.
